


looking to the future

by sevedra



Series: Portraits of Recovery [9]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky has fought enough, Dialogue Heavy, Gen, It always Ends in a Fight, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-The Avengers: Infinity War (Movie), he just wants to stop fighting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-08 09:12:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13455102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevedra/pseuds/sevedra
Summary: "Could you help me find a place of my own?"





	looking to the future

"Could you help me find a place of my own?" Bucky's voice sounds tentative and soft, hesitant.

Sam's surprise is evident on his face. "I thought you'd be staying here at the compound with the rest of the Avengers. You know Steve wants you here, right? He's not always good about saying what he wants, but I know he does. And the rest of us want you here too. You are more than welcome here Bucky. I know Stark's..."

Bucky interrupts there, "No, Sam. Steve's been real clear about wanting me here. I know he does. I know you all do. And Stark is fine, me and him, we're fine. I know I can stay here, Stark wouldn't have any problem with it. But, it isn't the _rest_ of the Avengers, it's just the Avengers. I am not an Avenger. I am not part of that group."

"Aw Bucky! Man, you are absolutely an Avenger. You are so far past The Winter Soldier. You are not that man anymore. You're a hero. You can't be still thinking that way."

"It's not that Sam. I know I'm not The Asset anymore. I can still feel him in my head sometimes, but it isn't in the forefront. I  _am_ better. I _know_ that. But, I'm not an Avenger. I don't feel like an Avenger, I don't want to feel like an Avenger."

"You're gonna have to explain this to me. We defeated Thanos and his scary space army. You fought with us. You were a hero Bucky. You earned your place as an Avenger. How can you not feel like an Avenger?  You don't want to stay here? With Steve? With your friends? Your family?"

Bucky sat beside Sam on the sofa. He looked a little sad and nervous. His answer was halting for a few sentences before it became a steady stream of words that ended up tumbling over one another. "I'm pretty sure I remember everything now. Some of it's out of order or kinda fuzzy, probably from the drugs. My brain can heal the physical damage so I can access the memories, but memories made under the influence aren't the most coherent. I remember Steve. I remember our time together before the war, during the war. I remember our relationship, the friendship, the closeness. I love Steve. He's my brother, my best friend, my go-to guy I can always count on. But he's never going to be content to just sit. He's a human _doing_ , and I used to be that too, but now I'm a human _being_. I just want to _be_. To sit. To rest. To relax. I don't mind doing penance for my crimes, and I know the fight against Thanos counts towards that. I destroyed so many lives as The Winter Soldier and fighting this war has let me save a lot of lives. But I want the chance to be finished. To know there'll be a time to stop."

Sam was confused and it showed. "You remember everything, but you don't want to stay with Steve? He is your family. He missed you and he is so thankful to have you now. He loves you."

"I love him too. I do. But no matter how much I love Steve, I can't be what he wants. He wants the Bucky that fetched his fat out of the fire and kicked ass while taking names. I'm not that guy anymore. I know him, I remember being him, but I can't be him now. I don't _want_ to be him. For Steve, there is always another fight. Always an injustice he just can't let pass him by. As long as I stay with Steve, I'll always end up in a fight. I don't want that. I've been fighting more than 70 years. Not every day there was, but every day I had. Steve slept the whole 70. He woke up and signed up to keep fighting the good fight. I spent pieces of those same 70 years fighting and killing and dying. Sure, I slept. But cryo is death. They'd strap me down and the cold would seep in and I'd feel every inch of the freezing. Every second was like dying. They killed me and resurrected me over and over. And every time they brought me back to life, they made me go kill someone else. Just so they could kill me again." Bucky's voice broke through the last few sentences, His emotional state was becoming tenuous. He'd wanted to get Sam's help figuring out how to rent an apartment. He hadn't realized he'd have to defend his request.

"Ok. Ok. I guess I didn't think about how you might feel. I guess I thought you felt the way Steve does. He talks about before and during the war, how you were, what you were like together. I know you're different after HYDRA. I just didn't follow through on the thought of how different you might be. Or, how you might want to be different instead of trying to get back to what you were before. Of course, all that would change you. And of course, you wouldn't necessarily want to go back. I understand. I am so sorry man. I wasn't being a good friend, and I was being an even worse VA counselor."

"It's fine, Sam. You've been a really good friend to Steve. He really needed that and you gave it to him. You're not my counselor and you're Steve's friend first. I got a therapist. He's actually helped me a lot in figuring out what I need and want now and how to ask for it. So, this is me asking for what I need. What I want. I want to live in a quiet place without needing to fight. If I live here, I'll get pulled into Avenger business whether I want it or not."

"Alright man. I'll show you how to find apartments on the internet. Once you narrow down what you want, I'll take you to look at them in person. Whatever you need."

Bucky sighs a relieved breath. He's got the first step done. Now he just has to figure out how to talk to Steve about this. But he's looking to the future. A future that's what he wants.


End file.
